June 26, 2012
When there is nothing else to say, A Few Words on Breasts (Esquire, 1972)

by Nora Ephron, Esquire 1972


I have to begin with a few words about androgyny. In grammar school, in the fifth and sixth grades, we were all tyrannized by a rigid set of rules that supposedly determined whether we were boys or girls. The episode in Huckleberry Finn where Huck is disguised as a girl and gives himself away by the way he threads a needle and catches a ball—that kind of thing. We learned that the way you sat, crossed your legs, held a cigarette, and looked at your nails-the way you did these things instinctively was absolute proof of your sex. Now obviously most children did not take this literally, but I did. I thought that just one slip, just one incorrect cross of my legs or flick of an imaginary cigarette ash would turn me from whatever I was into the other thing; that would be all it took, really. Even though I was outwardly a girl and had many of the trappings generally associated with girldom—a girl’s name, for example, and dresses, my own telephone, an autograph book —I spent the early years of my adolescence absolutely certain that I might at any point gum it up. I did not feel at all like a girl. I was boyish. I was athletic, ambitious, outspoken, competitive, noisy, rambunctious. I had scabs on my knees and my socks slid into my loafers and I could throw a football. I wanted desperately not to be that way, not to be a mixture of both things, but instead just one, a girl, a definite indisputable girl. As soft and as pink as a nursery. And nothing would do that for me, I felt, but breasts.

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February 28, 2011
Smoking: A Love Story (Esquire, ‘98)

IT’S BEEN MY HABIT,

MY HOBBY

MY LOVE.

MY CONSTANT COMPANION FROM BIRTH.

HOW CAN I LIVE WITHOUT IT?

Okay, okay, okay.

All right already.

I admit: I have a cough.

by Mike Sager (Copyright Hearst Magazines Feb 1998)

It’s a tiny little cough, neither acute nor chronic. Recurring would probably describe it best, be most accurate. In the morning it is dry. During the day it goes away. In the evening it returns, slightly productive. A little cough, okay? A smoker’s cough.

The last time I played one-on-one, I saw stars after five points. I get winded when I mess around with my kid, when I mess around with my wife. The kid is three. The marriage is six. I shouldn’t be that whipped. Now and then, my heart evinces a random ping, an odd pang, a curious, fluttery loop-de-loop. I’ve spent long, fretful minutes contemplating the involuntary mechanics of my heart and lungs, monitoring the rise and fall of my chest, listening to the secret sounds within, envisioning all manner of ironic, early demise. By the end of the day, my chest feels thick, woolen, scratchy. If I laugh with gusto, it backs down into a wheeze. I get these pains. They have to do with my spine, sitting and typing, avoiding strenuous exercise, any exercise at all. It feels as if I have a broken rib. As if I can’t get enough air. As if it has to do with my lungs.

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February 25, 2011
An American family: Daniel Voll profiles Patty Muth and Allen Muth, the first brother and sister sent to prison for incest in the United States (Esquire 1998)

by Daniel Voll

IN THE HOLDING PEN at the Milwaukee County Jail, Patty and Allen Muth are waiting for the deputy sheriff to turn his back. They are both handcuffed and wearing prison-issue jumpsuits with white socks and flip-flops. She has hazel eyes and dark-blond hair and weighs ninety-five pounds. He is taller by a foot, a lanky redhead. The deputy is distracted by another inmate. Patty and Allen finally do what they’ve been plotting for months. It is the moment they have been living for, and it is over in one second. They kiss.

Ten minutes later, they are escorted into a hearing to get the results of a court-ordered test to determine the paternity of their fourth child. As Allen is taken by the sheriff’s deputy to the other side of the room, Patty’s gaze never leaves him. She’s worried that he’s losing weight. All she ever sees is his quiet tenderness, his kindness. How he would say he was going out for cigarettes and return with a bouquet of her favorite flowers. He’s the only man she’s ever loved, and she whispered that in his ear before they entered the courtroom; she wanted to make sure he knew. Allen rakes his fingers through his red muttonchops and buries his face in his hands. He can’t even look at her, his despair is so great. If he is the father, the state will take away their child forever.

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